Where Does Beauty Lie?

I don’t think of myself as a vain person, at least I didn’t until I realized just how bothered I was by my appearance post thyroidectomy. I warned Ken to prepare the kids, I found myself cracking jokes about my “head transplant” and referring to myself as Frankenmom. While I was still in the hospital I did all I could to avoid catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

My family was nothing but supportive. Katie, who tends to get queasy at the first hint of something gross, didn’t seem to bat an eye when she viewed my scar. Ken, was full of reassurance and he continues to remind me that it’ ok, it’s not scary, and that it’s going to heal. Dylan’s reaction was perhaps the one that truly challenged me to reevaluate my reaction and attitude toward my current appearance.

I had been home from the hospital for a few days and was having a conversation with Dylan. He kept looking at my neck and I could tell he was distracted. We paused our conversation and I asked if he would feel better if I put on a scarf. He responded, “No way, it’s so cool.” He went on to give it a touch. Later, at dinner he commented, “If I had a scar like that I’d make sure everyone could see it.”

So there it is, my twelve year old son would show his scar to the world. I’m an adult and it took me about a week to gather the courage to really look at myself in the mirror. So, where is the answer? For me, I think it’s somewhere in between Dylan’s show it to the world view and my cover my head with a blanket mentality.

I haven’t been able to see past my scar to my beauty this past week, but I have seen beauty. I’ve been blessed with cards and words of encouragement. I’ve received unexpected and heartfelt gifts that will help me through my treatment. Ken and the kids have allowed me all the time I needed to rest and showered me with love. I’ve received Facebook messages, emails and phone calls and have felt the love and care of our friends and family both near and far. That to me is true beauty. I’m learning that the redness of a line on my neck is far less important than the richness that comes from community with others.

I’m still wearing some lovely scarves when I go out and about (I had my first outing to Target the other day). The scarves were a gift and they make me feel good. I also admit that it’s refreshing to look in the mirror and just see me – sometimes that scar was a visible reminder of things that I don’t want to be thinking about all of the time (scar=thyroidectomy=cancer).

I’m sure that there will be days when I look at myself in the mirror and think that maybe it would be better if the mirror just came down. I’m not sure I’ll ever look at my scar and think, “Cool – gotta show this off” (at least not until it diminishes to a silvery line). However, I am working on a healthier balance.

I’m writing these blog posts so that I don’t forget the emotions I’ve felt and the things that I have learned on this journey. In honor of remembering, I’m also posting a photo that shows my scar almost a week after surgery. It’s a reminder to me of where I have found beauty in these days- in my family and friends who have surrounded me with love and support.